Misunderstanding

Some people may have misunderstood my last post. I wrote that post to get things off my chest not to “bring anyone down or attack them”

I have a right to freedom of speech and what I choose to say as long as I do not invade the privacy of people. 

I am so grateful for all the love and support, though, that I have gotten from my dear friends. You all inspire and lift me up every day and I am ever so grateful for you guys. 

As for the others, you do not have to read my blog, I promise my feelings will not be hurt. But what will make me not so happy is those people that feel it necessary to be immature about a post. All of the people that read my blog are close to adulthood or in adulthood and should be mature enough to read anything I say and have a mind open enough to understand not only their point of views on the world. 

I appreciate the feedback I have gotten from everyone and I cannot wait to write more for the people that love my blogs. But for those who do not agree, I swear it will not kill you if you do not read it and it definitely will not hurt me. 

I love you all. Thanks for the support since the last blog post. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for all of us. 

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I’m Not Sorry

I am writing this blog post today in hopes that only one certian person sees it. I will be polite and not include any names, and if I do they will not be real names. This is the apology letter I will never write. 

I am not sorry. I am not sorry that you saw what I did I was wrong. Should I not be allowed to speak my feelings? You say you’re mad because I butted my nose in the wrong business, but I didn’t I just called you out on all the BS you were doing, but no one does that to you, no one dares to say you’re wrong and it is for this exact reason. You sit here on your high horse pushing your friends or as I see it serverants around telling them everything to do while they bask in your glory. And don’t say this is not true because I watchcd you do it today to your new “best friend” (P.S. it won’t last long after season ends). She wanted to sit in a certian spot that she was at in the first place but you were to lazy and stubborn to walk three feet to the next available seat and made her move. If you do not see that as wrong, I’m glad we are no longer friends because I would give up the world for you and you couldn’t even give up a seat for your friends.

I sat there for a year in our friendship and I let you push me around, because I know on my bad days, which were not as often as yours, I would push you around too. But it got to a point where I could no longer tolerate it. I could no longer take the pain you give me. I am not saying that every day you hurt me, but more often in our friendship was I upset with choices you made and did to me and I never said anything then was I happy.

I am not sorry that you were too childish to take the real world on as I told you how I felt. You did not even support me in my college and applications, but I supported you in the choices you made in relationships and people you were never in a relationship with, the people you hung out with, and the type  of person you wanted to be, but you could never support me in my choice to go to college. How screwed up could one person be. That is when you know someone envies you because you could not even hear the world college out of my mouth unless I wanted you upset at me. That is pretty screwed up.

But you know what I will be sorry for? When your current friends forget you, you and your boyfriend break up, and no one is there for you. Wanna know why? Because you know deep down if you would have never done and said the things you did to me, I would be there through all of that to support you. And maybe one day if you grow up we can talk, but this will no longer be your show, but instead what I ask for, because if you truly did ever want me back, it would take forever to prove that to me.

And I hope you read this and cried because you know you were wrong and you can’t have me back like the other times. But my phone is always on, and my door is always open no matter the circumstances.

P.S. if you want your stuff back you can be an adult and ask me to my face and not hide behind your phone and friends.

I will never be sorry for how I feel, and neither should anyone because we obviously have these feelings for a reason.

Love always

Emotions

So lately I have been stressed out with college apps and trying to keep my grades above a 4.0 GPA as my own goal, and this has lead me to so  much stress. I usually manage stress well, trying to keep my issues to myself becuae I know and have realized that I am not the only one that suffers from the problems I am facing. And so with that said, I tend to turn my stress and anxiety to the comfort from food, which is never the right thing to do.

This is called Emotional Eating, which is a disorder where a person tends to turn to food for a comfort, a stress relief, or a reward for the work we have done well. But with this disorder, you tend to feel worse after you eat not only because food cannot talk and council you through your problems, or write your college apps for you, but also because you feel guilty from over eating. I have realized that this is a problem I face most of the time. Part of the reason I did my senior project on health and fitness is to overcome this struggle I face almost every day, another part is because I face this disorder and so doing my research on it and other disorders, I can better understand why I have this disorder and research the best ways to overcome it.

I lately have been very stressed out and have not been following my new lifestyle the way I want too and that has become an issue. I have started up small habits again and eating when I am stressed out, which stresses me out more because I know I should not be eating like that. No matter how strong I feel, I always break down, and even the littlest piece of chocolate that I could have eaten from stress will make me feel so bad, and so therefore I will refuse to eat.

That is where I am wrong. You should never turn to over eating, or under eating as a way to fix your problems. I do wish that I could have a better way to get rid of this, like go to someone, a friend or an adult I trust, but in today’s society no one wants to go to someone else. We are taught that no one truly is there for us, and they only listen to us to gossip about us.

I personally think that is sad and should never be the truth. This is why people have problems, they feel like they could never go to ANYONE. This is why so many people in our time are being diagnosed with so many disorders, and the medicine provided is not healing them.

With this being said, my future career I want to be apart of is an Eating Disorder Couselor. The industry of disorders is just fake. They make all this money from selling drugs to their patients instead of taking their time to actually talk to them and try and fix a problem instead of just giving them medicine. That is why I chose to join this industry. I hope to be a person who can be there for a patient and not just give them medicine that only gives me money and does not help the patient.

So I am not quiet sure how to end this rant lol but I love you all and thank you for the support.

I don’t really know.

wanted to start this out with i don’t know, but obviously in my title you can tell, i don’t know.

sometimes i sit here and i feel like i have my whole life figured out. the college i want to go to, the type of guy i want to met, when i want to get married and have kids, what career choice i want to be in. but then other days i sit here and think, i just don’t know. is my first choice of college really the right choice? are my friends the right friends? is what i am doing with my life the right thing? do i really want that type of man in my life, or that many kids?

i guess thats the thing about life, we just never really know. as of right now i cannot tell you i will be attending my first choice and that scares me. or that my friend choice right now will still be there when i start and end college.

we can only hope for the white picket fence and the two perfect kids and the well trained dog, but we will never know.

but we are all put here for a reason. even on a non-religious aspect, you have to somewhat believe that. we are here with the people around us for some reason, and that is one thing i know.

i think the surprises in life thrown at us is beneficial to us. not knowing everything is okay, not knowing everything is what makes us grow and learn about everything around us. i love that about the world. that is one time i do not mind not knowing everything. if i knew everything already i would not be here because we are here to learn.

maybe one day though, i will know. i will know why i go through the things i do. i will know the lifestyle i have when i am grown up, and i will know what my purpose in life is.

but as for right now, i do not care to know.  i want to just live my life and go with it all. and hopefully it goes smoothly, but it will lead me to knowing what this all means.

sorry this is 8 hours past wednesday, i feel asleep writing it.

i love you guys

How Beautiful

Sorry it has been so long since I have updated, I have been trying to get my life together haha. To make up for it I will write again on Wednesday!

So I have thought a lot lately about my looks (in a non-conceited way), and I have realized that since I have been losing weight that I feel prettier. I feel like my features come out more, honestly making me a prettier person on the outside. But that is it, all anyone ever sees is the OUTSIDE. I hate that so much. I want people to not just approach me now because my appearance is slowly becoming more pleasing to other people, I want people to talk to me for my INSIDE beauty.

How cliche right? It is not whats on the outside that matters, but what is inside that does. No I do not believe this statement 100%, because I personally feel no one would talk to me ever lol. But what I do believe is that we should care more about a persons personality more than their looks.

I mean trust me, I have the cutest friend that is just so hot, all the girls want him (including me sometimes) but what I see with him is himself. I see his personality and attributes that makes me even more attracted to him some days. I have noticed though with the other girls he talks to he does not dig deep with them, he only ever just wants them for their look and popularity, but with me, it is different. I keep him around because I love what I can bring out in him, and that is his personality. We honestly do bring out the best in each other, and that is why I keep him around.

I think that is such an important thing. Not only should your better half bring out the best in your inner beauty, but also your friends. I can look around to all my friends and name some of their best attributes and I instantly see them as the most gorgeous human beings alive, and that is what I love. Mind you I go to school with practical super models, but I can always see more beauty from them when they are good people.

Ugh our society as a whole though, man is it ugly. I hear every day the things people say about someones flaws, and not their strengths that they bring to this world. I think that we all should try and find a strength in every person we talk to because then our lives will be just a little more positive. Try and compliment every person you talk to once this week, and hopefully they will pass it on so that they can uplift another person, but remember to focus on their inner beauty and not just what the human eye sees, because they will have more confidence in themselves.

Sorry for just a jumbled up rant about inner beauty, but I do hope you guys see what I am trying to say. Hopefully Wednesday my mind will be with me and not in some random place.

I would update about my weight loss but the scale broke in my house (oh the irony) and the new one makes me a billion times lighter, but I will try and updated ASAP for you guys.

Thank you for all the love, support, comments, and telling others about my blog. I love you all

Goodbyes

I hope that you all took my challenge of looking around at your friends and realizing which ones are there to uplift you and make you a better person and you made an effort to show your apprectiation with them.

I personally know I struggled with my own challenge, I had to step back and see who benefitted me most and brought me up. Sadly, a week later the decision is still up in the air for the other party but I know the decision I made, and I know that it was the right decision, and when it comes time to share my decision, I pray we made the same one.

This past week I reflected a lot on my life after high school. I know that I will be attending a four year, which has been my goal since I was 8-years old. My heart breaks though when I think about college. My dream college has always  been in Hawaii, that has always been my dream, to live for four years in a paradise. But now as I apply for colleges, and face the real life sadness of the goodbyes I will be saying less than 8 months.

I brought this up to my best friend. She has decided to attend a JC, and I have never been more proud of someone, she has made the choice to further her education and that just makes me so proud of her. But with this choice we will be forced to seperate in a year, and that breaks us both. We both had to realize that our goodbye is coming, that we will not wake up everyday knowing we will see each other in an hour, that we cannot just call each other up and meet in the next 7 minutes it takes to get to each others houses, that on Sunday’s we can not go up to our hang out spot and talk about all the people that have upset us in any way.

With that being said, I go back to my challenge last week, with knowing that college is around the corner, I had to choose who I wanted to conquer that journey with and it is not only my one best friend deciding to be local when she starts her college career, but also my other best friend that is applying to four years like me. I personally made mistakes this week that might affect my decision but I know that in a year when I move into my dorm they are the only girls I will want to call up to tell them about the new cute boys, the town I live in, how my roommates have their own weird habits, and knowing this makes goodbye so hard for me. Knowing that I will not share such an important event in my life with my two best friends kills me because whenever a big event (or even small) occurs in my life, they are the two I go to first, no matter what.

But I will not only be leaving my best friends but my family. I watched my sister go to college a few years back and that was the number one saddest thing to happen in my life thus far. I remember how sad and quiet my house was for the first time in 16 years, since I was the last one to be home. No longer were there over 10 teenagers in  my house all hanging out, no longer did my mom need to make abundance of food for our friends just randomly showing up for dinner, and I know as I leave the house everything will be different. This is my last year for home cooked meals every night by my mom, the last year for my step dad to nag me to close my bedroom door because my floor is too messy, or them telling me to turn off my light every time I leave my room. I know personally I will miss these things the most.

I want everyone, even those done with all of their schooling to embrace everything in their life everyday. As I grow closer to adulthood I see how easy it is for people to just be gone in a blink of an eye, or how your health fails you more often than not. Everyone needs to face the facts that real goodbyes are coming our way and we do not want to regret anything. Say how you truly feel to a person, because if they listen, then they are a true friend and you need to keep them around. Leave a situation if you are not happy, say those types of goodbyes, because if you keep getting hurt you will no longer be a happy, lively person, and  I personally think everyone should be like that.

Now since I did not update last week, I have lost an overall of 21.8 pounds since I have started my  weight loss journey. I look in the mirror every morning and see the progress, and my stomach shrinking.

I would like to thank everyone who has complimented me on my accomplishments, and noticing what I am doing in my life to be a better person, those compliments keep me going some days. And for those that read my blog and take something from it, thank you for supporting me.

I love all of you

Society

you know what sucks? People. I mean some people are cool. Like my best friends, they’re pretty amazing. But when you look at people in a whole, in the society they are raised in they can be pretty crappy. 

This week at school was the start of homecoming season. Girls getting asked (or not asked, like me) or trying to find someone to go with. But don’t forget, they need the perfect dress that no one has and the right shoes to dance in all night. And one last thing, a homecoming king and queen. 

Don’t get me wrong I love homecoming. I’ve gone before but the homecoming court is solely based off of the society in high school. It’s first based off who the prettiest is, and don’t forget their popularity because that will totally matter in a year when we’re at college. And the king has to be either their boyfriend or the person they are messing with (you know (; ). 

And when I look at this society in school, in HIGH SCHOOL, I see it in the real world. The ones who are rich and every one just HAS to be their friends. Then those people, down to earth, love everyone for who they are and not their image or amount of money they have, and then the people who are like a speck of dirty on your sunglasses. They are noticed, but in a negative way. They have no class or no money in some people’s eyes and they are the people that you look at and instantly don’t like because they aren’t wearing the newest style of jeans or don’t have money to eat out every night. 

But after this week I noticed something, we can only change that. Not our leaders or school administrators. Not our parents or bosses. We, in the generation we live in can all just chose to say screw the social latter, I can be the homeless man sleeping on the corner and my best friend could be living in a palace, and you wanna know why? Because we care about our character and what we bring to uplift each other. I think in this next week everyone who reads my blog should take the time to look at their life and their friends and see which ones are only with you because you have money or because they have money. Take time to reflect and see what these friendships bring into your life. Do they uplift you or bring you down? 

This week you need to decide which friends you should be keeping long term and spend more time with them, message them saying thank you for what they do for you and in a week see how much happier and better your life is. 

And now for my weight. I have not weighed in all week so I’m praying for the best on Monday. I will have a better update for next week. 

I love you guys. Thanks for the support you sent my way last week. You all rock!!!